Cost of Ministry…

My parish is having a course for the high school kids this week called ‘Catholic Summer University: A Crash Course in Catholicism’ taught by our priest and our seminarian.  Since I am attending as an Ethics and Integrity adult, all four of my kids are participating (15, 12, 11, 10).  As of the end of this, our second day, we have almost 50 handouts and that isn’t counting the blank paper we have taken notes on.  It has been awesome. 

In one of the handouts on The Christian Spiritual Life I found something under the topic of Prayer and Devotion that struck me as I read our ‘homework’ for the evening.  It wasn’t what was said but rather how it was said. 

“Woe to me if I preach not the Gospel” does not entitle us to forget: “What does it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his own soul?”

I read that, thought ‘yep’ and turned the page.

Then I thought ‘WHOA’ and turned it back.

Rereading it, the meaning broke over me, sort of like the day I realized that ‘bearing much fruit’ as a believer had NOTHING to do with the number of saved souls on your belt (the only interpretation of that verse I ever was taught as a Baptist – though of course, in more genial terms) and oddly enough these two teachings – in their true meaning – dovetail.  Immediately, some in my own experience came to mind.  I would not say for one moment that these had lost their soul.  However, I definitely have wondered if their dedication to ‘preaching the Gospel’ in order to ‘gain the whole world’ had not cost their souls, and many others, more than was ever intended to be paid…

For me, realizing that ‘bearing much fruit’ did not mean I was responsible for the salvation of souls… on the contrary, while we may be used of God, conversion is the work of the Holy Spirit alone and it is presumptious both to assume otherwise and to claim something for which we can take no credit… To realize that, and to understand that by ‘bearing much fruit’ our Lord meant ‘fruit of the Spirit’, left me in tears and left an enormous weight of responsibility and a burden of failure on the floor at the altar.

Similarly freeing, realizing that while God sends us forth to the lost world, He does not expect or even intend for us to neglect our own soul, or the souls for which we are directly responsible (ie my children), by giving so much of ourselves for the sake of others. How much more might we influence the world for our blessed Lord if we cared for our own soul, and those more immediately entrusted to our care, as we have been taught, in that allowing ourselves to be more completely transformed we would be an even better witness than we ever could be in compromising our own spiritual life by a level of ministry involvement beyond what is wise?

The example which came to mind aside, this was an important moment in my own understanding and has given me both great peace and encouragement.  God does not ask more than we can give and the first thing He asks us to give, and give completely, is ourselves… not to everyone else… but to Himself.

Once again, I learn about the importance of priorities and balance. If we want to be of greater service to God, then FIRST we must give more of ourselves to Him in personal spiritual growth through prayer, meditation, the Sacraments, mortifications, fasting, etc… and as we grow in holiness, then we are of greater use in whatever service our Lord asks of us.

 

Herman the Cripple…

As I said Father recommended some reading material recently.  Here is yet another offering from Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones: Spiritual Answers to Psychological Questions by Fr. Benedict J. Groeschel, C.F.R.  This poem was written by a physician admirer of Blessed Herman.

 

Herman The Cripple
by
William Hart Hurlbut, M.D.

I am least among the low,
I am weak and I am slow;
I can neither walk nor stand,
Nor hold a spoon in my own hand.

Like a body bound in chain,
I am on a rack of pain,
But He is God who made me so,
that His mercy I should know.

Brothers do not weep for me!
Christ, the Lord, has set me free.
All my sorrows he will bless;
Pain is not unhappiness.

From my window I look down
To the streets of yonder town,
Where the people come and go,
Reap the harvest that they sow.

Like a field of wheat and tares,
Some are lost in worldly cares;
There are hearts as black as coal,
There are cripples of the soul.

Brothers do not weep for me!
In his mercy I am free.
I can neither sow nor spin,
Yet, I am fed and clothed in Him.

I have been the donkey’s tail,
Slower than a slug or snail;
You my brothers have been kind,
Never let me lag behind.

I have been most rich in friends,
You have been my feet and hands;
All the good that I could do,
I have done because of you.

Oh my brothers, can’t you see?
You have been as Christ for me.
And in my need I know I, too,
Have become as Christ for you!

I have lived for forty years
In this wilderness of tears;
But these trials can’t compare
With the glory we will share.

I have had a voice to sing,
To rejoice in everything;
Now Love’s sweet eternal song
Breaks the darkness with the dawn.

Brother’s do not weep for me!
Christ, the Lord, has set me free.
Oh my friends, remember this:
Pain is not unhappiness.

 

One Very Ill…

Father recommended some reading material recently.  One of those books is Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones: Spiritual Answers to Psychological Questions by Fr. Benedict J. Groeschel, C.F.R.  Close to the end of the book I found several things that really spoke to me.  One of them was a prayer, a prayer of hope but of hope born of pain and suffering.

The Prayer of One Very Ill…

Lord, the day is drawing to a close and, like all the other days, it leaves with me the impression of utter defeat. I have done nothing for You: neither have I said conscious prayers, nor performed works of charity, nor any work at all, work that is sacred for every Christian who understands its significance.  I have not even been able to control that childish impatience and those foolish rancors that so often occupy the place that should be Yours in the “no-man’s land” of my emotions.  It is in vain that I promise You to do better.  I shall be no different tomorrow, or on the day that follows. 

When I retrace the course of my life, I am overwhelmed by the same impression of inadequacy.  I have sought You in prayer and in the service of my neighbor, for we cannot separate You from our brothers any more than we can separate our body from our spirit.  But in seeking You, do I not find myself?  Do I not wish to satisfy myself? Those works that I secretly deemed good and saintly dissolve in the light of approaching eternity, and I dare no longer lean on these supports that have lost their stability.

Even actual sufferings bring me no joy, because I bear them so badly.  Perhaps we are all like this: incapable of discerning anything but our own wretchedness and our own despairing cowardice before the light of the Beyond that waxes on our horizon.  But it may be, O Lord, that this impression of privation is part of a divine plan.  It may be that, in Your eyes, self-complacency is the most obnoxious of all fripperies, and that we must come before you naked so that You, You alone, may clothe us.  

 ~Marguerite Teilhard de Chardin, president of the Catholic Union of the Sick, and sister of the well known Jesuit writer Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

My Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis

Such a small book… I’ve had it for over a year… and yet I have not been able to complete it even once.  I keep reading a bit and then having to put it down so that I can meditate on the contents of those few pages.  The next evening, I pick it up again and find that I need to reread those passages and feel I can not go on until I have internalized the message and made better headway in  its practice.  So much wisdom, so much Truth… I need to get copies of this little book for my children.

A few excerpts…

Chapter 1

What doth it avail thee to discourse profoundly of the Trinity if thou be void of humility, and consequently, displeasing to the Trinity?

In truth sublime words make not a man holy and just: but a virtuous life maketh him dear to God.

I would rather feel compunction than know its definition.

These sentences particularly resonated… (but then you’ll find so much of this little book does with me) and especially that last line.  As much as I have studied to learn the faith, doing so still, I would rather experience it than know it intellectually. I would rather BE penitent than know its definition.  Not that the two are mutually exclusive by any means… just that so often we err in thinking that knowing is equivalent to doing. 

If thou didst know the whole Bible by heart, and the sayings of all the philosophers, what would it all profit thee without the love of God and His grace?

 (from a long list of vanities) 

… It is vanity to follow the lusts of the flesh and to desire that for which thou must afterwards be grievously punished…

Study, therefore to withdraw thy heart from the love of visible things, and to turn thyself to things invisible.  For they that follow their sensuality defile their conscience and lose the grace of God.

Chapter 2

The more and better thou knowest the more heavy will be thy judgement unless thy life be also more holy.

Be not, therefore puffed up with any art or science: but rather fear because of the knowledge which is given thee.

If it seem to thee that thou knowest many things and understandest them well enough, know at the same time that there are many more things of which thou art ignorant.

Be not high-minded, but rather acknowledge thy ignorance.  Why wouldst thou prefer thyself to any one, since there are so many more learned and skillful in the law than thyself?

If thou wouldst know and learn anything to the purpose, love to be unknown and esteemed as nothing.

This is the highest science and most profitable lesson, truly to know and despise ourselves.

To have no opinion of ourselves and to think always well and commendably of others, is great wisdom and high perfection.

This rings so true.  It is so common for people to think well of themselves… all we hear about is ‘self-esteem’ anymore, even from Christians… whatever happened to being like Christ? LIKE Christ?  Did Christ consider himself above others? Did he send those who came to him off to study the law or did he send them out to sin no more? 

It isn’t easy by any means… but just the attempt to consider others better than myself, to see where I am sinful and despise that in myself as our Lord does has been a worth while exercise to say the least.  Still, it has been amazing to me how many of my other sins and failings, that list that could be xerox’d from confession to confession with a set of blank lines for the changeable things, have been curtailed or made better in the attempt.  Anger, impatience, and other such sins that come from pride and selfishness… all rooted in valuing myself above those around me whether I realize it and intend to do so or not.

Chapter 3

He to whom the eternal Word speaketh is set at liberty from  multitude of opinions.

From one word are all things, and this one all things speak; and this is the beginning which also speaketh to us.

Without this word no one understands or judges rightly.

…

Learning is not to be blamed nor the mere knowledge of anything which is good in itself and ordained by God; but a good conscience and a virtuous life are always to be preferred before it.

But because many make it more their study to know than to live well, therefore are they often deceived, and bring forth none, or very little fruit.

Oh, if men would use as much diligence in rooting out vices and planting virtues as they do in proposing questions there would not be so great evils committed, nor scandals among the people, nor so much relaxation in monasteries.

Verily when the day of judgment comes, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done; nor how learnedly we have spoken, but how religiously we have lived.

Tell me where are now all those great doctors with whom thou wast well acquainted whilst they were living and flourished in learning?

Now others fill their places, and I know not whether they ever think of them.

In their lifetime they seemed to be something and now they are not spoken of.

Convicting indeed. I do not spend nearly enough time in rooting out vices and planting virtues as I should… I am just as guilty of reading more and acting less.

Chapter 3 cont’d

How many perish in the world through vain learning, who little care for the service of God!

And because they chose rather to be great than to be humble, therefore they are lost in their own imaginations.

He is truly great who is great in charity.

He is truly great who is little in his own eyes and holdeth as naught the pinnacle of honor.

He is truly prudent who looks upon all earthly things as nothing that he main gain Christ. Phil 3:8

And he is very learned indeed who does the will of God and renounces his own will.

Amen.  I have much work to do… it is work, after all, cooperating with God’s will and allowing Him to do the necessary bits.  I am hardly a willing sacrifice and rather wish He’d just lash me to the altar instead of having to hang onto it myself. I keep praying a ‘trump’ prayer… Lord, no matter what I say later, I want Your will in my life and to be transformed into Your likeness, regardless of what it takes… and then try not to whine too much when He takes me up on it.

 

Temptation Also Reads…

I was on the phone with a friend the other day discussing the Temptation issue.  She was sharing with me something she had been given in her own struggles with that issue and it resonated in a very deep way.  I forgot to mention it in the Temptation post and was going to just do another one when in chatting with her on the phone TODAY she mentioned having blogged it…  *insert angelic alleluia chorus* …which of course makes my desire to share EASIER!

So, if you got anything out of the Temptations post, please visit Red Neck Woman over at Postscripts From the Catholic Spitfire Grill  and read Stigmata. 

Not only that, but she has another post just under that called Arrogant Humility.  It is a very good read for a number of reasons and if you are reading in the ‘Temptations’ and ‘Stigmata’ mindset there is much good insight in this one as well that might otherwise be missed in favor of the main ‘humility’ theme.  The quote from C.S. Lewis’  The Great Divorce ties it all up rather neatly.

This evening, I’m holding onto heaven moment by moment, one foot in front of the other…  I long for the ability to physically lash myself to the Cross lest my own strength should fail. These two posts have helped to ‘hold up my arms’ a bit and the help is much appreciated.

 

St. Patrick’s Prayer…

One of the gifts Catholicism brings is the gifts of the saints.  Their lives, their witness, their writings, their prayers speak to us, encourage us, strengthen us, stretch us.  One of the prayers of the saints that I have come to love is the Prayer of St. Patrick.

 

 

 Prayer of St. Patrick

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

 

What I didn’t know is that this is only a small portion of a larger prayer by St. Patrick called St. Patrick’s Breastplate which is excellent in its entirety.

 

 St. Patrick’s Breastplate

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this today to me forever
By power of faith, Christ’s incarnation;
His baptism in Jordan river,
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb,
His riding up the heavenly way,
His coming at the day of doom
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of cherubim;
The sweet ‘Well done’ in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors’ faith, Apostles’ word,
The Patriarchs’ prayers, the prophets’ scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the star lit heaven,
The glorious sun’s life giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind’s tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward;
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan’s spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart’s idolatry,
Against the wizard’s evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave, the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.
By Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.

 

Light…

 Though every sun shall spend its fire

And galaxies shall dim to shade,

The Light by whom these lights were made

Shall never flicker, never fade.

In us arise, O Light of Lights.

Burn brightly in the caverned heart.

Consume the shade that fear supplies,

And peace and truth instead impart.*

*Hymn taken from the Evening Prayers for Wednesday, April 18th in Magnificat.

 

Response to Weekend Fisher…

This is in response to a comment left on the New Paganism entry. 

Weekend Fisher:

I’m curious — do believe that all evils in the church were the Reformation’s fault, or that Rome is exempt from error and uncharity towards other believers?

Welcome Weekend Fisher!

No, I do not believe all the evils in the church were the Reformation’s fault or that Rome is exempt from error and uncharity towards other believers. (Aren’t you relieved? *wink*) However, I am a convert to Catholicism. I was WELL aware of the faults of the Roman Catholic Church prior to my conversion and while the truth of that was not so extreme as I had been taught, I continue to agree there were definitely problems then and frankly, continue to be now. What body of men does not have them? Indeed, there is none because where there are men, there is sinfulness and error and lack of charity.

That said, I was NOT taught about the problems, the error and uncharity committed by we protestants. Neither has the Catholic Church been teaching me these things. The Church teaches that our protestant brothers and sisters are exactly that, our separated brethren and have not discussed with me AT ALL the Reformation or the consequences thereof. Rather, it has been in my own reading and study that God has been teaching me that both sides have sinned, and all sin has its consequences. What you witness here is the rectifying of a lopsided education.

I have been blogging of my learning of the other side of that equation. What I am learning causes me grief and mourning. It is not that the protestant side has the market cornered on sin and lack of charity. Far from it, rather, the problem is that we should be one Body. That the sin of division and a house divided has led to more sin, like the dropping of a stone into a pond causes ripples. That such division not only hurts our witness and ability to speak to the world as God intended, but grieves the heart of God.

Weekend Fisher:

A Roman Catholic asked me, not too long ago, what exactly was the “cringe factor” when it came to Roman Catholicism. I blogged a full-length reply, but if I had to boil it down to one phrase it would be this: how Rome treats other Christians.

I’m not sure that I agree with you on ‘how Rome treats other Christians’. At least, my experience has led me to a different conclusion and perspective. As a protestant for most of my life, I would have been the first to tell you that Catholics were not Christians (except for the odd man and why DID they stay in that cult anyway), that they were a cult (I did mention that didn’t I?), and that they were idolatrous among other things. I was rude, arrogant, and unkind to my Catholic brothers and sisters in Christ. It was I, and everyone of my aquaintance, who were treating other Christians badly. (I do not assume that this is your position, only speaking to my own as a protestant.) In my experience, and the experience of many whom I have come to know in the past two years, it was the Catholics of our aquaintance who were kind, patient, long suffering. Who did not return unkind words or thoughts or looks with like, but extended grace instead.

That said, Christians of all flavors treat other Christians of all flavors badly… and unChristians too. Catholics, protestants, we are all guity of it.

In the end, I am condemning primarily myself. It is in becoming aware of just how sinful I was as a protestant, just how far from where God intended me to be, that I am able to repent of it and work as best I can to avoid it in the future. At the same time, I LOVE my protestant brothers and sisters… and in NO way intend for anything I say here to suggest otherwise.

Weekend Fisher:

Wishing for genuine dialog rather than polemics.

How’s this for genuine dialog? Like you, I am not interested in polemics. My belief that there is Truth, and that it is God’s to determine, and that it is WE who must correct our faulty understanding and align ourselves with Him is a belief that I have had both as a protestant and as a Catholic. I will be the first to tell you that I am guilty of these sins and am having to do so. I have grieved our Lord. I have failed to do what is right in His eyes. I have leaned unto my own understanding. I have refused to submit to those He placed in authority over me. I have been working hard to be obedient in rectifying many of those things and as much good work as He has done in me, I am far from finished. If you are perceiving finger pointing here, know that it is at myself I point first. If you perceive judgement, know that it is myself who I judge. If you perceive exhortation to change, it is of myself that I demand it above all.

I don’t know if you’ve read my conversion story included in the entries of this blog, but I did not CHOOSE to become Catholic. It is not my understanding that has led me here, or a desire for smells and bells, or a great hurt done by those in my protestant circles. It was required of me by the Lord our God. I do not presume for ONE MOMENT that He is calling you or anyone else to that journey. That is the work of the Holy Spirit. What you read here is MY journey, what I am learning, what I am struggling with, what I grieve over, what I rejoice over.

I pray that in reading this, whether or not you agree with my agreement with the Teachings of the Catholic Church, what I have learned, or any of the rest, that you will hear my heart. That is what I pour out here, in this comment, and in the blog in general. It is not an easy thing to learn that what one has believed for over 30 years, while partly true, held so much error. It is not an easy thing as an older person to change. It is not easy to admit to having been so horribly wrong. In order to do so, it is important to be willing to face my sin head on, acknowledge it, see the consequences of it as He does. As hard as this is, it would be even worse to not do so and cease to walk with God.

I do not apologize for calling sin what it is. I do not apologize for defending the faith, for if the faith or teachings of the Church and sacred scriptures give offense, it is not for me to apologize. For any mistreatment of Christians by Catholics, I extend my most sincere apologies. For anything I have said that has made you think that I do not love and esteem my separated brethren, I sincerely apologize. Not for one moment do I intend to convey a lack of love or a lack of charity just because I see that I am not the only one guilty of such sins and mourn the consequences of what we have wrought.

May God bless you above all you could ask or imagine and hide you in the secret of His Face,
Anne

 

A Conversion Story…

“Et tu, Jen?” has posted, with permission, the conversion story of John C. Wright in ‘Like feeling a heartbeat…’.  A former athiest who’s study of philosophy and human nature combined with his intellectual honesty led him straight into the Arms of God. (So much for saying that some of us ‘think too much’ and ‘ask too many questions’ and ‘should just have a simple (blind) faith’.)

A few clips, just to whet your appetite…

Here is the natural part: first, over a period of two years my hatred toward Christianity eroded due to my philosophical inquiries.

Rest assured, I take the logical process of philosophy very seriously, and I am impatient with anyone who is not a rigorous and trained thinker. Reason is the tool men use to determine if their statements about reality are valid: there is no other. Those who do not or cannot reason are little better than slaves, because their lives are controlled by the ideas of other men, ideas they have not examined.

To my surprise and alarm, I found that, step by step, logic drove me to conclusions no modern philosophy shared, but only this ancient and (as I saw it then) corrupt and superstitious foolery called the Church. Each time I followed the argument fearlessly where it lead, it kept leading me, one remorseless rational step at a time, to a position the Church had been maintaining for more than a thousand years. That haunted me.

and later…

So I prayed. “Dear God, I know (because I can prove it with the certainty that a geometer can prove opposite angles are equal) that you do not exist. Nonetheless, as a scholar, I am forced to entertain the hypothetical possibility that I am mistaken. So just in case I am mistaken, please reveal yourself to me in some fashion that will prove your case. If you do not answer, I can safely assume that either you do not care whether I believe in you, or that you have no power to produce evidence to persuade me. The former argues you not beneficent, the latter not omnipotent: in either case unworthy of worship. If you do not exist, this prayer is merely words in the air, and I lose nothing but a bit of my dignity. Thanking you in advance for your kind cooperation in this matter, John Wright.”

I had a heart attack two days later. God obviously has a sense of humor as well as a sense of timing.

(Hat Tip to Chris at Catholic Converts)

 

Hannity the Liberal…

Father Euteneuer of Spirit & Life (and president of Human Life International) has an excellent blog entry called Hannity the Liberal. It was preceeded by an equally excellent entry called Sean Hannity’s Gospel.  What a testimony it could be were Hannity to truly repent of the real sin in his life instead of what is not sin. I have long been a fan of Hannity’s but was unaware of his position on matters sexual in opposition to Church teaching.  Father Euteneuer has done a phenomenal job of holding him to account and speaking truth on this issue…

A few quotes…

 Hannity, as we know, is shameless on birth control, and judging from the interview, he hasn’t even the vocabulary to rationally defend his position in the face of his Church’s clear teaching. Hannity is also clearly pro-choice on abortion in cases of rape, incest and life of the mother, and he is really cozy with the likes of Rudy Giuliani whose love for abortion and everything gay is hardly a secret. It has even been revealed that Hannity’s website, Hannity.com has a gay dating service that Sean knows about and apparently “has no problem with;” no different from his attitude in regard to birth control. So much for the “devout Catholic” Hannity. If that is devout, then Hugh Heffner is reverent.

The interview on Friday night was enlightening in many senses but mostly because it showed Hannity’s true liberal side. The “Judge not lest ye be judged” comment I have heard only and exclusively in debates with liberals and others with guilty consciences. It is the whine of the person who is doing something that he knows in his heart is wrong but can’t stand anyone pointing out. Hannity’s “judge not” rant can be summarized in one phrase which, if it were put this way, would have been much more identifiable as liberal claptrap: “How dare you question my choice!”

(Hat tip to Shellie)